Across the various different poly sites in the past few months, I
have been seeing more and more posts about swinging vs. polyamory.
Mostly, it is people in pure-poly relationships complaining that
people who primarily have a swinging lifestyle are using the term
'poly' when they aren't really.
This is a fair and valid point. It seems that now swinging
is more accepted than it used to be and certain members of the
swinging community liked the idea of being part of something
'underground' and generally not accepted by the mainstream.
Thus, they started calling themselves 'polyamorists' when all they
really want is sexual relationships with no meaningful bond between
partners.
But where does that leave people in a true open relationship like
ours? Yes, we are allowed to find other partners to share the
rest of our lives with (i.e. polyamory). But we are also
allowed to find casual sexual relationships where there is lasting
emotional bond between the partners and where we can all join in
(i.e. swingers). Are we thus swingers? Polyamorists?
Fruit cakes? Are we all three?
Can we call ourselves poly without being frowned upon by the
purists? Are the purists right in saying that polyamory can
only include relationships where there is a love between long-term
partners? Surely they have to agree that there are many types
of love, including sexual. Isn't swinging just a way of sharing
this sexual love? Therefore, swinging is a form of polyamory.
I think the problem with Polyamory is that the definition is too
broad. The English language only has one word to define love.
But there are so many types of love. Love between parents and
children. Love between siblings. Love between friends
(not sexual/intimate in any way). Love between partners.
I could go on. So, Polyamory is 'many loves'. But what
loves? It could be argued that all families are
polyamorists. A father loves his wife, children and parents.
Therefore, many loves, therefore polyamory. But this isn't what
polyamory is. It's about romantic attachments between
consenting partners.
It also doesn't help that there are so many different
organisations and groups all claiming to be the main poly group.
Each has it's own symbol (I've come across at least 10 symbols so
far) and definitions of what polyamory is. Being so open and
trying to include as many types of people as possible is great, but
is also what's holding things back. With the gay community,
there are well defined sub-groups. Bi, Trans, Straight, Pan.
With polyamory it's almost on a per-relationship basis. We
allow anything The next couple will only allow sexual
relationships within the group. The next will allow sexual
relationships with anybody but no serious relationships outside the
group.
I'm proud to be a part of this polyamory movement. I don't
hold the belief that is forced upon us by religion or popular
culture. So long as no one gets hurt and I can share my love
with multiple partners, why shouldn't I.
Enough for now. I hope this will elicit some discussion.
Shadow
