Although I have only been in a polyamorous relationship for one year I have started to formulate some definite ideas on what it means to have a three way committed relationship and how to make things work so that all partners in the relationship are happy.
From what I have read so far on poly sites on the web there are a lot of people using the word to describe swinging style relationships where partners move in and out on a continual basis. In order to be taken as a serious alternative to a monogamous lifestyle I think truly polyamorous people need to clearly differentiate between a long term committed relationship and short term sexual adventures.
Until the poly relationship I am now involved in, I was completely faithful to my wife for the 30 years that we have been together. I know that if we had not met her sister and if the unique set of circumstances that we found had not been present then I would have continued to be a happy faithful monogamous husband until the day I died.
I think perhaps that being in a poly relationship with identical twins is quite different to trying the same thing with two entirely different individuals. As both twins are very alike in character I really don't have any major headaches trying to develop a new series of communication skills and because I have had 30 years with one twin, understanding the other is much easier for me than it might have been with someone with a very different personality.
Even so, we have the same time sharing and jealousy issues to deal with that any poly relationship has to cope with. Jealousy seems to be part of our nature as human beings so it can't be ignored as a major issue in relationships.
As the 'meat in the sandwich' as it were, I don't have jealousy issues to deal with but my wife has had to work through these feelings and we have talked the issue over a great deal. The relationship has not been without its hiccups, not least of all due to sibling rivalry that exists between sisters.
The whole experience has been amazing. It was not something we ever expected to happen in our lives but it has and day by day we are finding better ways to deal with any problems that arise.
Time sharing is not just an issue of who sleeps with whom and how often. We have found that at present the best option is for me to spend one night with each twin in a continual rotation. This has worked well as neither are left alone any longer than one night.
The thing that is more complicated for us than for other poly people has been the fact that the girls (I use that term advisedly as we are all 50ish) is that there are three separate and clearly defined relationships here.
We each love and respect each other and it is the emotional love between us that is paramount. Yes we are all adults and we have adult physical relationships but that is not the dominant factor in this relationship.
I think in mainstream society there is a view that any kind of multiple partner relationship is all about sex and to some extent this is exacerbated by people who are into the swinging lifestyle trying to claim that they are polyamorous.
I am unfortunate in one respect and that is that I live in a society that does not tolerate multiple marriages. I have no idea why our society has deemed it fit to make marrying more than one person illegal but I suspect it was all originally driven by religion. If I had the option I would most certainly be legally married to both girls as they are both, in every respect except on paper, my wives.
As with every relationship, we have found that open and honest communication is the key to making everything work. There have been times when I have paid more attention to my new partner than to my original partner and this has led to feelings of jealousy and neglect. Thankfully this has been quickly rectified because we can talk openly about our feelings and we are each willing to make the required changes to ensure our relationship stays on track.
I do think that most poly relationships tend to be initiated by men rather than women and as men do tend to attract 'bad press' (deserved or not) when it comes to fidelity, that becomes yet another target for mainstream monogamous people to focus on.
Whatever the reason people enter into multi partner relationships, if the relationship is intended to be long term and faithful or at least committed, then even more effort than normal is required to keep the relationship going. I saw an interview done by Andrew Denton taking with Jack Thompson who once had probably one of the most well publicised poly relationships and Jack basically said that a three way deal involves double the pleasure but also double the pain.
Being the age we are now, the one thing we do tend to think about rather a lot is our own mortality and the effect the death of any one of us will have on the others. This is rather a large burden as we are so emotionally close that the loss of any one of us will be a huge blow to the two who remain.
There are many issues involved in these relationships and my advice to anyone thinking seriously about entering into the poly lifestyle is think long and VERY hard about what is best for you and your partner.
These are some practical examples from our own experience to think about.
The new partner in a poly relationship is likely to be more of the focus of attention due to the newness of the relationship. This is normal but it has to be recognised and managed as the original partner will feel left out.
If the existing relationship is a marriage (as mine is) then the incoming partner will wonder what exactly their place in the relationship is as they have no legal standing.
Your sex life is liable to alter dramatically and at least initially physical demands will be much higher.
For as long as you remain together, the 'hinge' in the relationship (in my case me) will have to sometimes moderate some disputes without favour.
You will lose some friends if you are honest about your lifestyle and you may well be discriminated against in society.
The authorities will try to ignore your relationship as much as possible except when they can cause you problems.
If you are not a good communicator, if all you want is more sex, if you are unhappy with your existing relationship, if you are inclined to be selfish and if your partner is not happy with the idea of a poly relationship then my advice is to stay clear of it
In our case we really had no choice, the circumstances in all our lives were such that in order to move on we had to be together. As I was already very much in love with my wife and as I fell in love with her sister and as the sisters had bonded so strongly after being apart for so long, our choice to live like this made sense.
To begin with I questioned both my feelings and my motives but I never doubted that what I did was right for all of us. I was the driving force behind starting the relationship and I take full responsibility for maintaining it and ensuring both girls feel loved and appreciated.
Both have their own issues to contend with and time is proving that not only is the relationship working, it is deepenig and strenghtening over time. The one promise I made to both girls before we got too involved was that no matter what, if we did go into this lifestyle I would be loyal to both of them for the rest of my days and I would never leave one for the other.
