The problem I see with polyamory is that for some of us having to label yourself the same as a broad group of very different others is somewhat negative to your own cause. From the 4 years I have been involved in the "polyamory online scene" or POS as I like to call it I have found some common groups.
The 3 biggest groups in polyamory online
First up you have the married couple, been together god knows how many
years yet one or both of them always had this feeling in their back of
their head like it wasn't "right". They have had kids and now is the
time for experimenting, wooo! "Jealousy is just one of those silly
things you have to get rid of" they like to say.
Second you have the typical male/female player, they always just slept and loved everything that walked so finding out about polyamory just clicked for them. They are usually very charming and good looking and use the scene to try and find others they don't have to lie to about their lifestyle. The ever increasing body count of people longing for for "more" in their relationships "just don't get what they are about" though .
The third group is probably the most sensitive to talk about. They are the often wronged of society, the way they looked, their sexual preference, their gender. These people make up a disproportionately large chunk of the polyamory scene, why? Maybe to be "polyamorous" (whatever that means) attracts the more open, intelligent people of the world, so they find more acceptance here than anywhere else.
Stereotyping is offensive
I'm not saying that there is anything wrong about the people that fall into any of those groups, I don't go out of my way to judge. My point is when you try and educate others about your lifestyle and you point them to the keyword "polyamory" they are going to be hit by it all, not just whatever group you fit into. When educating others about new lifestyles, the more different they are to the "norm" the less receptive people generally are to it. This has nothing to do with being open minded, it is a problem with the human brain needing a lot of evidence to change things it was taught since birth. For culture it generally takes a LOT of "reeducating" to overcome previous teachings, ask people who were "educated" on christianity or other cults how hard it is to break from it.
I don't tell anyone that I'm polyamarous in "real life" anymore simply because that word is more harmful than not. Most humans have a very logical part of their brain which helps them survive, so I talk to that part of people. I tell them the more people that are close together the stronger they are. I tell them you have more money and less work, more fun and less chores.
People that sound sure of themselves are arrogant
There are few people like me in the Polyamory Online Scene, not that I am proud about this. I am a male (<30) with a long term female partner and we are looking for someone to join us that we can have a family with. You don't really see too much about starting a family based around polyamory - maybe for good reason?
I can understand people that get into polyamory after having a family on a biological level. For the male they already have taken the birth years of their female so the worry about another man getting her pregnant is non existent, hence jealously evaporates for them. For a female they realize they now have their man connected to them through children so even if he leaves he isn't going far, their jealousy evaporates. For a young/female male to overcome the jealousy of another man sleeping with your partner is much harder than the same thing happening 20 years later. For the males that can do it when young then maybe there is something unique about you on a genetic level, possibly worth keeping with for human evolution.
Jealousy is all in the mind and it's exactly the same whether male or female
I often wondered about jealousy and what it actually is. Now I won't say it's the same for everyone but I have reached what I believe to be the logical reason why I would be jealous if my girlfriend had sex with another man. It's biology. The thought of her having sex with another man while we are creating a family puts into jeopardy the family's origins. You always know who the mother of a child is but not always the father, so of course men are going to be more jealous about some things.
That doesn't mean women have nothing to be jealous about, they want to know their man can provide for and protect them and if he has 20 children with other women then her child with him will suffer. My point is there are valid, biological reasons for jealousy. Now some people don't want children so they don't understand this, others will say "you can use protection stop being so stupid". Protection isn't 100% effective and mistakes happen when things are passionate, if you don't realize this then maybe you are too inexperienced in life.
So what is the solution to these valid biological reasons for jealousy? For a female they need to trust they have a big say in the future of the family, so you just need to be a stable, supportive guy that listens to them. For a male they need to know you will only be having sex with them during your reproductive years. As I've said before, once people cross that magical upper 30's barrier jealousy seems to evaporate fairly quickly.
Has anyone ever been to a 10 year polyamorous anniversary?
I don't often come across people that are in stable polyamorous relationships. By stable I mean ones that stay the same for a long period of time. From what I have found most tend to have one or two "steady" people and many "side dishes". Where are the people that want only stable "marriage" type polyamarous relationships? I find it strange we are the minority, and this is the trap people can fall into when coming into polyamory due to it's broadness.
Whilst all humans are polyamorous (loving more than one) I feel I need a new term to describe what I am. Whilst polyfidelity probably is the first thing you think of I don't like the sound of it, it sounds like a new form of analogue record. Any ideas?
I found your comments very interesting. The part about finding a woman to start a family with troubled me somewhat. I lived in a polyamorous relationship for 7 years, with my legal wife and two defactos.
We all had children together. A business etc. It worked quite well, as much as any relationship.We were eventually 'outed' in a most unpleasant way. We were threatened and harrassed horribly. The State took a great interest in our children, and lifestyle etc. They eventually left us be, though I'm sure they'd have removed the children if they could have.
This brought huge pressure on my younger partners. They became fearful. Then there was pressure from their families, and anyone who knew of the situation, who felt they had a right to interfere. It all fell apart. It became a family court nightmare. The grief was immense, as everyone lost everyone else.
If we ever try the lifestyle again, it will be with someone who cannot, or does not want children. Good luck, Joseph..
G'Day,
Like you article. I have also found that most of the so-called "poly" poeple around are really just swingers who like to be a part of something a bit more underground and unique. I also have to admit that our "poly" relationship does allow for swinging, casual sex and the traditional longer-term relationship.
I would like to find someone who we can raise a family with. These days, it is easier to raise children with 3 (or 4 or 5... god help us!) incomes and bodies rather than the traditional two.
As for jealosy, my wife is 25 and I am 30. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel some jealosy about my wife sleeping with someone else, but honestly sex is sex. I'd be more jealos of her falling in love with someone else. I know my wife feels the same (obviously, as we've discussed this plenty of times). But we both know that no matter what happens, we will always come back to each other. It would be nice to come back to someone else too!
Anyway...
Ciao!