Well, when I got married I thought I had finished with all the
hassles of dating. Nope... Now that we're free to date again,
all those things came back. Only now, we're hit twice.
First you get all the usual rejections and disappointments.
You can spend a lot of time investigating in a potential relationship
only to have it rejected for all the old reasons - "I like you
as a friend but...", "You're like a sister/brother to me"
or my persona"favourite" "You're a nice guy/girl
but...". Luckily we now have someone to rely on who we are
romantically involved in that can fall back on for support when
things don't quite go as planned. This certainly softens the
blow.
Secondly, you have the very high possibility that the person who
you have really become attached to being turned off by your choice of
lifestyle. Polyamory is still looked very poorly upon by the
vast majority of society, even those who should know better or claim
they are "open minded" about relationships. The only
real way to avoid this is to only proposition people you know are
into poly - this can be very difficult. The best way would be
to introduce the topic in a non-threatening way in a general
discussion. You don't have to mention that you are in a
polyamorus relationship if the other person appears turned off by
it. You may have "read about it in a paper" or
"overheard someone talking about it in the pub". This
will give you an indication as to where things might head if you
brought up the topic.
Anyway, till next time
Mr Shadow
Hey there Mr Shadow,
I can understand exactly what you mean. I met this lass that I really liked, I was attracted as soon as I had met her. Mind you she was quite angry, but cute. Her thinking that I was a normal Monog in a normal marriage had her open up about a few things. You see I found out after, if she met a man she thought was untouchable or taken, she would tell them the life's story. She was originally married, but he "cheated" onher so she dumped him immediately (ouch!) and then something strange happened, she become the mistress to a married man. And so the story went of how she was single and could not find anyone. It was a sad tale, but for some reason I really liked her. It was was not pity, I was just genuinely attracted to her. While she told me her story of cheating men all I could do was listen and nod, here is poly me listening to this.....what could I do? So we parted ways at this function we were both working at. I had her card and thought about her all that night. I finally decided to email her 2 weeks later and over a few emails eventually admitted to the life I lead. I must say I was surprised by her response as she was speechless and fascinated. I thought she would want to spear me.
Well we started talking over the phone and texting, the usual. I was excited when ever I would hear from her. So, while my wife was overseas with her lover I just thought to hell with it and booked a flight to see her in the city she lives in. We met up at the place I was staying and I made her dinner. she bombarded me with questions about my life and how and why it worked. I did not pull any punches and told her the exact truth, but to add to that, how do you really tell somebody that you have a true and real capacity to extend and share your love with others outside of you're marriage?! Well from there it moved on and the night was wonderful! From a physical and emotional aspect to me. Maybe I could make her see that Poly people were not freaks. We had breakfast and drove around the next day. We stopped in a park and had a good heart to heart for an hour and half. She told me more of her story, but still questions my ways. Maybe it did not make a break through. She said that she would need to process what was in her head. She enjoyed what she had done, but other half of her felt like she had done the wrong thing. Still I enjoyed just being with her. It was eventually time for her to take me to the airport. I snuck that last kiss in which put a big smile on my face, I was buzzing. I rung her when i got back home and she seemed fantastic. the next morning I texted her and it was fantastic, but then she asked if I could spend the night with her this coming weekend, real spur of the moment stuff, I was excited, but my beautiful wife was coming back that same day. I had to say no and go with my priorities. Since that moment it has all gone down hill, very quickly, not even out of the gates! Now she is questioning whether or not she can even do this. Her demeanor has changed to the point of where she thinks this is now morally wrong. Chances of her staying around are now slim. It just took that one word "NO" to set off her past frustration. I feel gutted as I was very honest and put it out there. I think that there is the danger that Poly people can put themselves in with traditional Monogs. This story is a little long winded, but I bet there are so many more Poly people out there who have gone through the same thing. Normal Monog society has conditioned people to believe religiously that you can only love one at a time. Our choice of life style is not for everyone, but it can be very beautiful if seen the right way.
Good luck to others and be careful. We are unique and have a lot to give!
ArchAngle
Wow, I can't believe I've missed all of your replies... I have a feeling my proxy was caching these pages and not updaing it properly (I'm a nerd and run my own server at home).
Anyway... This is exactly the problem I'm having with women I'm interested in. They all have the notion of monog drilled into them to the point that they can't accept anything else. They can accept that we are in this open relationship and support us in it but they don't want to be a part of it. One in particular is very frustrating as she is in a relationship but plays around with other guys behind her partners back, but when I want to ask her out on a date it's "too uncomfortaable for her and her partner". WTF? Still, it is her choice to make and I respect that.
Cheers
Shadow
Oh, well do I remember the horror of starting to "date" ... shudder!
I was a shock to my system, having gotten angaged at 19 - I never really "dated" as such at all.
There was no poly community when we started, so dating in the poly pool was not an option, either.
I am very glad that my dace card is now full, even though new and interesting people keep showing up at the socials and discussion groups!
Same here... I was always the 'nerd' in High School, so thatmeant any attempts to ask girls out was always met with laughter and mocking. Then at uni, I was travelling 2 hours to uni everday. When I wasn;t at uni, I was working. When I wasn't doing either of these, I was studying for my pilots license.
So, not really having much free time and not spending my time at the uni bar/events means I didn't really get a chance to do much dating. Being able now to go back, I realise I never really learnt the art of dating, and the little I did learn has long since left me. Still, now I'm married I have a lot more self confidence and am starting to get back into it.
All the Best
Shads