G'Day,
Just a quick note to anybody who may come across this. My wife
and I are new to open marriage/polyamory. After some recent events where
we both started developing and pursuing our feelings for other people, we
decided that rather than cheat on each other, split up or deny ourselves our
feelings we would give this a go. As it turns out, these people weren't
interested in our approaches. Never mind, plenty more fish in the sea.
We are pondering how to come out and who to come out to.
Obviously, people who we are wanting to bring into the relationship need to
know. My best friends know and so does the person I was interested in (it
wasn't our choice of lifestyle that turned her off btw - she just wasn't into
me 'that way'). Family could be difficult, but it is something we were
aware of before deciding to live an alternative lifestyle. Some conservative
friends could be difficult too. So why did we decide on this alternative
lifestyle? We both have a belief that there is more than one love out
there for any single person.
And like parents who have, and love EQUALLY, multiple children, why
can't we do the same with our loves? Of course, this also has a side
effect for our marriage. While it is still technically possible to cheat
in an open relationship, we don't need to be concerned about it as we know that
if either one of us is going to, or has; slept with someone or gone on dates
with another person we would tell each other. NO more staying up late
wondering where she is and why there are large/suspicious amounts of money
missing from the bank account. I know she'll tell me. This removes
one area of stress in a traditional marriage. How many times have you
heard at the local cafe (or in Hollywood movies) someone complaining to their
friend that (s)he is concerned their partner is cheating on them. I will
know when my wife is 'cheating' with someone... she'll come right out and tell
me. My wife will know when I’m in a bar picking up because I'll tell her
before I go out that if I get the chance, I'll pickup. It's all about
communication.
Neither of us has actually gone the whole nine yards and started a
relationship, or slept with anybody else so we are yet to come across the jealousy
aspect of this relationship. I am a naturally joust person however; I
have no joust feelings about my wife being with someone else either sexually or
emotionally. We have a rule that cannot be broken - the marriage comes
first. Yes, we are one of those people who have a hierarchical
relationship structure. If ever there are any troubles in the marriage or
either one of us is uncomfortable with the others partner/activities, the
secondary relationship gets put on hold. Sounds harsh, but we are not
going to jeopardize our marriage. We love each other far too much.
Anyway, that'll do for now. I have some thoughts and concerns
about public and workplace views on our chosen alternative lifestyle but that
can wait for another time.
Cheers
MrShadow
Hi there Mr Shadow,
That is a great piece that you have written. Polyamory is a great way to share something nice with others without that horrible (I hate it) "Cheat" word so widely used in the "normal world" of so called monogamy. My wife and I have been poly for over three years. She has the one partner that she sees, but likes to keep herself very much behind the smoke and mirrors. I myself have a friend that I have been seeing for the past 2 years. I do not get to see her as much due to the distance aspect, she lives in another state. We have had our ups and downs in learning how to pilot this interesting little ship. I personally have purged myself of any jealousy when it comes to my wife and someone else, at the end of the day she signed the marriage contract with me. It gives a whole new meaning to have and to hold, to death do us part! I like to think our marriage is the base to which we work off. We were married for a little while before we took on this choice. Those that I have told about my life automatically scream "open marriage"! and "how can you do that? Don't you get jealous?" People just don't get the spiritual aspect and I don't mean to sound all warm and fuzzy, but there is that thing called "energy and attraction" between people. Like it or not it happens. We could go mad questioning the WHY? but it does.
Out of the two of us I am more at ease with it than my wife. It is second nature to me and I do not feel like I am lying to myself. I am naturally a caring, loving person who loves to reach out to others. And yes that happens to be both spiritually and physically. We have an amazing and beautiful capacity to love more than one person. Some times in our adventures we can get scuttled if we are not careful, it's kind of like being single again, but not! Believe me, I have had some aches and pains, especially when you admit it to people you are attracted to in confidence and they do an about face or start to question your intentions. There can be some heartache because at times the heart wants, what the heart wants.
Be careful of those from the "normal world" they find it a little hard to comprehend. They will try and tell you that you want your cake and eat it to. My lady friend is not poly by any means. she is just single and for quite some time openly questioned if I was legit. Over time I proved to her that I was here to stay and support her, even if it eventually just turned into a platonic relationship down the track. She is over ten years older than me and has a little more life experience, so it helped her to be more accepting. I have recently met a woman my own age who I think is fantastic, but she has some emotional baggage that has her questioning her dealings with me. She went from one spectrum to another. From a husband who "cheated on her" so she left him to being the "other woman" of a married man. This was some time back. I had to choose the right time to tell her who I really was and let her know that I did really like her. She like my other friend lives in another state. I went out on a lim and hopped on a plane to go see her, so that I could see where things would go. We spent a wonderful intimate night together, but she kept questioning what she had just done, even after telling her straight out that my wife knew where I was. I personally have real feelings for her, so I have been extremely honest. One of the draw backs from her past is that she once had a married man "promising her" that he would end up with her. We usually know that ends in tears and goes no where. From the start I have told her the boundaries and rules of my situation. She feels frustrated as it is now brining up memories of her affair with the married guy. I never promised what he did. I have told her that I can be there for her for as long as she wants as I am not going anywhere. I can't exactly run off with someone else or not leave the unsuspecting wife, because I am poly! What transpired today was that she told me she would be in my city for a weeding the same day as my wife was getting back from overseas. The way I feel about her, I really wanted to catch up, but my wife wanted me at home with her, so we could "catch up" . So far my new friend has not taken to my "no I cannot make it due to a conflicting engagement that I clearly told you of previously" very well. She is now not talking to me because she wanted to see me then and there. It's a flash back to her married man where by she feels let down because we have to try and make another time. Sorry if this sounds long winded, but I am just letting you know of some of the things to look out for. It can be wonderful and it can be painful! I am becoming more and more comfortable with who I am, as I hope you do to. Stay true to who you are and you will get to here you want!
Take and goodluck
ArchAngle
G'Day,
Sorry for the delay, I have been checking for replies to my blogs, but appear to have missed this one. Since that original post over three months ago now, my wife and I have moved along slightly in setting out the boundaries of our relationship - in which there are now very few things we cannot do. As you may have read from my other blog posts, we have told some other people about our relationship and they have been very supportive (one of them even said we were the coolest people she knew! I never, ever been cool my whole life!). I think we have been very, very lucky thus far. Our families still don't know. We are waiting until either one of us finds something more than a one-night stand before we tell them. We don't really see the point in creating a whole lot of heartache and tension if, in the end, we don't find anyone who is willing to share our lifestyle.
I do enjoy reading about other peoples experiences in polyamory, it helps us identify some common pitfalls of this type of lifestyle. My wife and I wish you the best and thank you for you advice and well wishes!
Cheers
Shadow