Discovered last year that my (female) partner was having an affair with the captain of our CFA brigade that we're both active members of. A bit of a jolt. The issue wasn't her having sex with another man - frankly, and this is a bit embarrassing, I love the thought of her making love to someone else. We've 'swung', but it didn't do much for me. I love to feel a real connection with people that I'm intimate with. But the bit that I did enjoy was watching her with other men and women - ah, divine.
She wants to continue seeing him, and initially said that she would leave me if she couldn't have an open relationship with anyone else that she felt a connection with. She refused to go to counselling initially, but changed her mind after a few months when I said that I wanted to seperate. Since then, we've put the issue on hold while we deal with other parts of life, and she is making a concerted effort to keep me in the relationship.
We'd been through some prior hard moments when I had discovered a few years ago that she had had one-nighters when drunk, and lied about those (and the affair started after a drunken night at a local community event while I was playing Dad at home to our sick 2 year-old daughter). She promised that she would never lie again, and then discovering the affair (it ran for about 6 months before I finally gave into my gut instinct and went looking for proof) knocked the wind out of my sales. That was 8 months ago, and we're moving forward, I think. Didn't help that she didn't use protection when having sex with him - he's in his 60s and apparently things wouldn't work with a love-glove. Not my problem though. Basically taking a risk with my health and life
The other complex element is that he has a partner that he loves (they're both divorced from prior marraiges and have children), but their relationship is not brilliant. His partner doesn't know, and he refuses to tell her under any circumstance - even if I agree to let my partner and him have a relationship. I couldn't lie to my partner like that, and I don't like the idea of becoming a guilty party by effectively condoning that behaviour. I hate the thought that his partner may have to go through the same pain that I did, and still am. I'm just too soft?
He's very much bull-at-gate, takes phone calls when he is in the middle of conversations with his partner (and when he was with mine), very opinionated and right-wing, tends to believe his view on things is the right one. What I'm not. Has had to deal with a lot - he was in Vietnam, divorce, the things you see in the fire brigade, relationship problems etc. And I appreciate that is part of the attraction for my partner - he's different, and that relationship feeds her in a different way, and she loves to reach out and heal people (she's a Naturopath). And she just draws people to her - she is very alive. Sigh.
She says that her relationship with him is like a side-salad, a bonus, and that I'm by far the main course and the dessert. That our relationship is the richest she has ever had. And I believe her. Her best friends have told me that she has told them that I'm the best partner in and out of the bedroom that she has had (and she has had many many dozens of male and female partners in her adult life) - I have no concerns about being out-performed as such.
I love the thought of being able to give her this, but its made hard by the context - them both deceiving me, and then me having to be deceitful as well. If we didn't have a daughter, I'd have saved myself the stress and left the relationship, although I love her so much.
So I'm battling with a lot. I know if I'm honest with myself, that one of my problems is envy - she has a relationship that isn't encumbered by waking up to a daughter several times a night, no chores and other mundane elements of life. Just pure fun. And I'm coming to the thought that I would love to have that too. Trouble is I'm a nice guy, and the women I meet and feel attracted to are always friends first through work, and they're either in committed relationships, or want someone like me for a life partner. Not shared with another woman.
What to do next - how do you meet people that want a connection like that? Maybe that will help me to give my partner what she wants without me feelign like so much of a bastard for being involved in a lie somewhere else.
