Relationships are hard enough at the best of times. Having been poly for almost 10 years, and with one of my relationships into its 25th year (yes, we were children ...), I have seen all sorts of relationship challenges.
My newest partner is new to polyamory, which has been useful in highlighting to me all the things that I now manage without too much thought, but that people who aren't in multiple relationships just never have to deal with.
The current issue my new partner is dealing with is maintaining one relationship while grieving another.
The first time someone broke up with him, it nearly killed our relationship, too. Grief is an incredibly powerful process, and it really takes a big person to be able to stay connected with a romantic love while grieving the loss of another romantic love.
I remember once when I was in that situation, wailing to my two still-with-me partners "when will I find someone who will love me properly ...?"
They made suitable soothing noises and didn't take it personally, thank God.
When it happened to my new partner, he just didn't know how to process all the emotions. He didn't know that free-floating anger is part of the grieving process, so he turned the anger toward me. Add in some parting shots from the departing girlfriend questioning the basis of his relationship with me, and there was a cocktail of collateral emotional chaos.
Fortunately, my man has the heart of a lion and the ability to find and follow his inner compass, and we got through that difficult time, with some very timely and powerful man-to-man support from my long-term partner.
Yesterday, my dear beloved no-so-newbie-any-more partner was let go by another lover, beautifully and gracefully, but dumped nonetheless, and this time is a very different experience.
He is just as torn apart emotionally, but he is open to me, sharing the pain with me, remaining connected and allowing me to support him through the experience.
As with any relationship, poly relationships are all about opening up, being connected, then opening up some more, and being even more deeply connected.
Grief can open us more deeply than almost any other experience, which means that times of grief can be deeply bonding times, if we allow them to be.
If we tense against the strong emotions and contract with our grief, we cut ourselves off from the loving support of all the people who are still with us.
Polyamory calls to us to respond to pain by opening, by sharing ourselves, by being vulnerable in our times of need, by becoming bigger people.
I honour and acknowledge my new lover for having the courage and strength to do just that, and I honour and appreciate my lifelong lover for the love and support he provides to both of us. You are both extraordinary people, who consistently choose growth over contraction, and I am astounded that I have the privilege of sharing your lives.
I am not sure if there have been exactly ten prior unexpected twists in our poly life - if fact, if I listed them, there have probably been more than that. But this one was a doozy.
We have apparently raised a unicorn!
A unicorn, in poly terms, is the mythical beast sought by the clueless and hopeful who post intros on the email lists and forums along these lines:
We are a fun-loving couple, she is bi, he is straight, looking for a bi woman to make our family complete. Must love kids and have good sense of humour. (Shopping list of hobbies and interests.) Drivers license preferred.
Yes, our oldest daughter, who is still a teen but all legal and age-of-consenting, is happily bisexual. Not only that, she has just started dating a lovely young 21-year-old couple. They seem much healthier for her than the string of emotionally-stunted teenage boys she has had in her life lately.
In fact, there is only one previous boyfriend that we felt had her best interests at heart, even when it was difficult for him - but unfortunately, even though she converted him from mono to poly, it didn't last. Bad timing more than anything else ... but I digress.
Anyway, just to make this particular twist a double-bunger, this young couple have a two-month-old baby, and our daughter proudly informed me this week that makes me a grandmother.
Aaaaack!
Well, I will give it some time and see if it lasts, of course, before knitting bootees, but I had expected another ten or fifteen years as a MILF before having to deal with grandmotherhood.
Mind you, it's easier for me to deal with it than it is for my 27-year-old partner, who was recently accosted in the kitchen in a pre-coffee state and asked to choose his grandparent name ...
Meet the polyamorists - a growing band of people who believe than more lovers equals more love
Author: By Colette Bernhardt
Let's clear up a few things first. This isn't polygamy, where one person (usually male) has numerous spouses who cannot pursue other liaisons themselves. Nor is it swinging or adultery; polyamorists aren't into cheating or one-night wife-swaps. It also differs from the hippie notion of "free love", which was primarily about enjoying sex. And it's a bit more specific than an "open relationship". What polys want ? not so different from the rest of us ? are ongoing, honest, committed relationships. But with several people at once.
View full article here
Thanks to Astarte for pointing me at this story. It's detailed, fair, and covers a variety of family types. Both thumbs up!
One of the first questions people often ask, once they realise that polyamory involves having more than one partner at the same time, is "how does THAT work?"
In the interests of public education, and because things seem to have been working well lately, I thought I would outline my last week, which is fairly typical of weeks at our place at the moment.
Sunday
7am. The alarm goes off, and Partner A gets out of bed to take the youngest two kids to soccer. I move into the other room, where I get into bed with Partner B for a sleep-in.
10.30am I get up and have breakfast with Partner A, who is up to morning tea by this point. We have a long and deeply emotional conversation about his relationship with Partner C (who is currently working in Norway for a few months). The conclusion, unsurprisingly, is that the real issue is between him and me, not between him and Partner C. Further discussion uncovers that the real problem seems to be that the reason he is not getting what he wants from me is because he doesn't know what that is exactly. He undertakes to do some exploring in that realm.
12.30pm I put on a load of laundry, and do some work on the computer, while Partner A drops the kids at the shopping centre and buys some specialist electronics for his father. Partner B eventually gets up and does some work on his computer.
3.30pm Partner A and I do the grocery shopping ($350). The kids help to put it away. I move the laundry to the dryer, put on another load, and cook dinner.
7.30pm Partner A and I and the kids watch a downloaded TV series (Warehouse 13).
8.30pm I move the laundry along again, and Partner B helps me clean up the kitchen, while Partner A shooes the kids into bed, and settles down to watch a movie.
10pm I go to bed with Partner B.
Monday
6.30am The alarm goes off.
7am. Partner B and I get up and have breakfast.
7.30qm Partner B and I start work on the computers, in between helping kids to decide what to pack for lunch and where to find school socks.
9.30am Partner B delivers coffee and a neck rub.
11.30am Partner A gets up, has breakfast, delivers coffee and a neck rub, and starts working on his computer.
1.30pm I reach the project deadline for the day. i stop work, make lunch for myself and Partner B, and the retire with Partner B for a siesta.
3pm Partner B goes out. I get up, make sure kids eat real food after school, and then go for a walk with Partner A.
5pm I cruise Facebook and the emails.
6pm The rostered kid makes dinner, with support from Partner A. I clean up the kitchen afterward, and move the laundry aloing again.
8.30pm Partner A and I shoo the kids into bed.
9pm Partner A and I go to bed for quality time. Follow-on conversation from the day before goes really well.
Tuesday
5.30am The alarm goes off. I go into the other room and wake Partner B for quality time.
6.30am I get up, get ready, and drive to the city for work.
12.30pm Lunch with my not-lover-but-more-than-friends.
3.30pm Walk around Hyde Park
8.30pm Finish work. Drive home. Microwave leftovers. Clean up kistchen. Partner B says something has come up on Saturday, which was supposed to be our date night, so we reschedule the date night for Wednesday, and I book Partner A for a date on Saturday night.
10pm. Fall into bed with Partner B and go straight to sleep.
Wednesday
7.30am Wake to the dulcet tones of teenagers having a screaming argument about bathroom rights. Ignore it. Have quality time with Partner B.
10am Get up, get ready, go out. Doctor's appointment, lunch with Partner A's new partner, who is also my best friend (mega bonus score, there).
3pm Make sure kids eat healthy after school, check emails and Facebook, go for walk with Partner A.
5pm Rostered kid puts chicken soup on to cook. I supervise putting on, Partner A supervises taking off and seasoning. Partner A tells me he has date Thursday night. Partner B is going out Thursday as well, so I plan for a quiet night alone.
6.15pm Partner A takes two youngest to soccer practice. Partner B and I have our date night at home, in bed. Partner A cleans up the kitchen.
11.30pm Go to bed with Partner A.
Thursday
5.30am The alarm goes off. Change rooms, quality time with Partner B.
6.30am Get up, get ready, drive to city.
7.30am Breakfast with my not-lover-but-more-than-friends.
9.30am Arrive at work
4.30 Finish work, drive home, kiss Partner A goodbye and tell him to have fun.
5pm Partner C calls from Norway. He has broken up with his girlfriend there, and she is giving him a hard time. I provide emotional support and help him to workshop a boundary-setting conversation.
5.30pm Microwave leftovers for me and the one kid who is at home.
6pm Text Partner A to ask is he has any idea where youngest two are, as they are not yet home. He replies that the have gone shopping but should be home by now.
6.30 Youngest two arrive home. Text Partner A to let him know they are OK. Rostered kid cooks chicken sausages.
7.15 Partner B calls. He got stuck at work, then had a flat tyre, now can't find parking and is starving hungry, and just wants to come home. I tell him there are lots of sausages available.
7.45 Partner B arrives home.
8.30 Partner B and I shoo kids into bed. I do another load of laundry.
9pm Partner B and I go to bed, have incredible, life-changing conversation that releases long-held childhood emotional wounds.
Friday
4.30am Partner B wakes me for quality time.
7am Alarm goes off. Get up, get ready, go to working breakfast.
9am Come home, do some work on the computer, get changed.
11am Sailing on Pittwater with Partner B.
2.30pm Help 18-year-old adopted son to pack a suitcase to move to Wagga, drive him to station.
3.30pm Quality time with Partner B.
4.30pm Partner B gets up, gets ready, goes out to see other women until midnight Saturday.
5pm Teenage hordes start to arrive. Partner A and I supervise teenage party.
8pm Partner A starts watching the cricket. I go to have a nap.
12.40am Partner A comes to bed.
Saturday
9.30am Quality time with Partner A.
1.30pm I get up, make myself breakfast. Partner A appears and rushes straight out, having had a call to collect stranded teens from somewhere. Father of one of the stranded teens turns up to collect her from our place, and I chat to him while eating my cold Vegemite toast, as we wait for Partner A to get back with the teens.
2.30pm Partner A and I insist that the kids clean up the post-party mess.
3.30pm Partner A and I take one of the kids to a doctor's appointment.
5.30pm I make macaroni cheese. We seem to still have an extra teen girl in the house. I clean up the kitchen. There seems to still be post-party mess about.
7pm Some of the kids and I watch a movie ("Milk"). Extra teen girl falls asleep on the couch.
8.30pm Partner A and I shoo the kids into bed. Promises are made to finish cleaning up post-party mess by 6pm Sunday. More laundry. I write 500 words for a writing group.
10pm Partner A and I start our date.
As you can see, being poly requires allocating a fair amount of time to relationships. Working from home helps, and does working flexible hours and working less than full-time. There's not that much room for time-consuming hobbies, either. At least not if you want to manage two or more live-in relationships.
And, for those other parents out there, the post-party mess was NOT cleaned up by 6pm the next day, so all three kids (and the extra teen girl who is still here, for some reason), are all banned from using computers or the TV for 48 hours.
And so it goes, and so it goes ... like any family, we are constantly changing and adjusting. The soccer season is just about over, and the kids and I are starting singing lessons on Monday nights. Partner A is likely to start spending more time with his new girlfriend over the next few months, and Partner B may end up with more office work and less time at home. When Partner C comes home next year, there will be a major reshuffle of the weekly schedule.
Sometimes it's easier, and sometimes it's harder. For me, having more adults in the family makes it easier overall - the problems are different when you are monogamous, and for me, much harder to handle. A poly family is my preference, but it's not for everyone.
Since the advent of polyamory, or at least since someone put a name to it and the internet allowed people to find the name, there has been a quest to find a word to describe the warm, squishy sensation we get when we see someone we love, loving another one they love.
It's the opposite of jealousy, in a way.
The Americans tend to use the word "compersion" - "ooh, I just felt a burst of compersion ..."
This works in some grammatical positions, but not so well in others. He's very compersive? That's a comperse situation?
The British coined the term "frubble" - "oooh, I've come over all frubbly, love ... feelin' a bit of frubble I am ..."
While more grammatically flexible in some ways, it still doesn't roll off the tongue.
A more recent addition to the Sydney poly community's lexicon has been the Tibetan Buddhist term "mudita" (moo-dee-tah). This is a real word, which has meant "taking pleasure in the happiness of another" for hundreds of years (without any specific romantic or sexual connotations).
What I like about mudita is that it can readily be applied to the soppy smiling expression my 12-year-old gets when she sees me being affectionate with a partner, as well as the more poly-traditional meaning of the emotion experienced by any other of my partners who happens also to be in the room at the time.
